I suppose I realized something tonight. I’ve been attracted to this guy for quite a while and for the entirety of that time I have known quite concretely this guy is out of my league. He’s cute and handsome, he’s got a great body, he likes video games and nerdy things. Sure, in describing his “sharpness,” I would have to liken him more to a bat or club than to a knife or blade, but it seemed bearable enough. All I really wanted was to be his friend. We certainly share similar interests, and I like to think I’m a pretty alright kind of dude. However, he would not seem to deign it worthy to even give me the time of day. Sure we chatted on Facebook on and off; short stints of discussing his problems and my solutions to them. Nary was there the slightest interest in me, my problems, my personality.
I was talking to a friend who has known this guy for much longer than I have. He mentioned that this guy was pretty self-centered and headstrong. That despite multiple people advising him on what the proper course of action was to get his life “on track” (for lack of a better phrase), he would continue to make hasty, ill-conceived decisions, and then expect them to pan out instantaneously. That he only would show interest if “you worship the ground he walks on or are of a certain body type.” I am certainly not of that certain body type. And while I do try to be very ass-kissy to him, I wouldn’t go anywhere near calling it “worshipping the ground he walks on.” And in any case, that’s less about him and more about how I treat people in general.
Thinking about what this friend of mine said, as well as how accommodating I try to be for people, I realized something. People who are self-centered are more likely to take care of being fit and attractive. This makes them attractive to a large variety of people, and their self-centered-ness can contribute to a sort of air of hard-to-get that many find attractive as well. Since they are attractive they will most likely get a lot of attention, which no doubt feeds into this ego thing they have going. Their own opinions and voices are valued above all others. And I feel very strongly that this is the case with this guy.
And it works in reverse. People who are not self-centered, who put the needs and considerations and views of others above their own in most or all circumstances are less likely to to take care of their bodies, making them unattractive in others’ minds. Their constant yearning to make everyone else happy makes them seem desperate and therefore makes them even more unattractive. Likewise, this negativity constantly feeds into their own lack of self-worth, especially since they value others’ opinions so highly above their own. And I feel very strongly that this is my case and ultimately my perennial curse.
I would consider either of these cases to be opposite ends of the spectrum of adjustment. Those who reside on the extremes are poorly adjusted, and those people who have a pretty good balance of self-worth and consideration for others are well adjusted. It also seems, at least to the latter extreme, that the former extreme is the most caustic.
To expand upon the analysis of my situation, whether people actually find me attractive or unattractive, or cool or uncool, or what have you, is not the point. The fact of the matter is I have no way of truly, actually knowing others’ truthful opinions about me, and as such I have reverted to creating this construct of “the outside observer,” a general amalgam of what I think others think of me. I have no way of knowing what others really think of me, but I value that undefinable Opinion above anything I think of myself, so this constructed estimation of how others view me is automatically substituted and used in place of what others actually think of me. Because of my already low self-esteem and low self-worth (the origins of which is something that will probably have to be left up to therapy to figure out), this estimation is overwhelmingly negative. Because I take this negativity to be what people actually think of me, it ends up feeding into my diminishing self esteem and self worth.
At this point I don’t think there’s really anyone who can turn this ship around. I’ve made some truly amazing and remarkable friends in the past almost-a-year and I’ve tried to keep as much of this nastiness away from them (again, I value their happiness far above my own and so I try not to bog them down with my own problems), but what has leaked out has prompted them to try and rebuild my self-image, self-esteem, self-worth. But honestly, they can’t really do anything, because at this point it no longer matters what they say they think, it only matters what my mind says they think, and my mind’s mind is made up.
State your name: Andrew, but I prefer Jack.
State the name that your parents almost named you: I don’t know. They’ve never told me and I’ve never asked.
Did anything embarrassing happen this week? Not that I can think of.
Do you miss your ex? I don’t know if you can technically consider him an ex, but yeah.
White chocolate or dark chocolate? If forced to pick solely between the two, then white chocolate.
Do people praise you for your looks? Sometimes, but they’re all liars. I’m fugly as fuq.
What is your favorite color of clothing to wear? Crimson?
What are some of your nicknames? Jack, Michi
How many bedrooms are in your house? I live in a student housing apartment, so I only have one bedroom, but technically the apartment has 3.
How many bathrooms? Same deal with the bedrooms, I have 1, but the apartment itself has 3.
Do you have a job? Technically, no. Not yet.
Do you have a car? Yes, a leased 2013 Hyundai Elantra GLS, silver with the Bluetooth/alloy/etc. package.
Do you work out every week? lolnope.
Have you ever kissed someone you never saw again? Nope
Have you ever sung in front of a crowd? I think so
What kind of bathing suit do you wear? trunks
Do you like your eyes? not really
Do you think you are pretty? I don’t think I’m pretty, and I’m not.
Who was the last person you talked to in person? I think it was my gay mamma, Mizz Jenkins.
How much money is in your account? I have an American Express with a credit limit of $500, of which I have spent $499. I have my financial aid account with SunTrust which has 11¢ in it. I also have a personal checking/savings account with Wells Fargo which currently has $9.74 in it.
Are you single? yes.
Do you want kids? fuck yeah.
Tell me what your backpack looks like: It’s a busted up, plain old burgundy JanSport that I’ve had since middle/high school.
What celebrity do you think is hot attractive? off the top of my head, I’d say Liev Schreiber. I know there are others, I’m just thinking of that Wolverine movie right now for some reason.
Last movie you saw in theaters: Cloud Atlas, I think.
Are you dating the same person you dated last year? I just said I was single. Jeez, rub it in my face, whydontcha?
Has someone you were dating ever cheated on you? I hope not, but I guess it really wouldn’t matter anyway.
Have you ever cheated? maybe, but not really? Idk.
Have you kissed someone whose name starts with a ‘J’? no
What do you like to do in your spare time? Have big stints of continuously watching a series on Netflix or Hulu (30 Rock, currently). Play video games, as well. Every once and a while, read a book. Occasionally try my hand at a personal coding project. Mostly procrastinate, brood, and smoke cigarettes. Oh, and discover/listen to music.
And stop making loud noises just outside my window.
They might take my mind off of the loneliness.
I’m just a terrible person ok. I haven’t been diagnosed, but I’m pretty sure I have a really bad case of social anxiety. I can’t keep to a schedule, I never put any amount of effort into anything. I’m not all that smart, and I’m not all that talented, so I can’t get away with not putting effort into things. I’m actually very dumb and talentless. I have an extremely grating personality, I’m a total klutz when it comes to anything social or intimate, I get extremely jealous very easily, I get offended easily, I overreact to everything. I can’t make friends, I can’t put ideas into words, and so I get frustrated, and can put even less ideas to words. I’m cynical when it comes to human relationships, and all of my interests are very esoteric, so I I can’t really talk to anyone in any meaningful way. On top of all that, I’m not all that great to look at, and I’m fat.
I’m just a really terrible human being, ok?
sometimes, an okay looking person can become one of the most beautiful people you’ve ever met because of their personality. all you have to do is get to know them and their personality will shine through their face.
I think the point of this wish is that you end up passing up on most of the people with beautiful personalities because personality is not immediately apparent. And, of course, vice versa: sometimes you get try to get with people that look beautiful on the outside, but are rotten on the inside. In short, I also wish people looked like their personalities. That way you’d be able to tell immediately who’s truly beautiful, and who’s not.